I am an engineering student. I believe that my world is as unforgiving and cruel as the world was in dark ages. Back then I would have to worry about falling on top of the wrong end of a spear, now I have to worry about completing twelve page assignments in less than two hours. But coming to the “fellowship”…the “brotherhood” part, being a male engineering student in my college hostel would most probably mean you are sharing your room with three others. Spending that much amount of time together, you are bound to talk shit with each other. It goes like this – we talk randomly for some time, after that we feel all dopey happy and share an embarrassing secret. Then we go like – (o___o) . You see, that’s because men can ‘bitch’. People say that ‘bitching’ is a girly phenomenon. I can assure you that’s not true. Telling your secret to one of the guys in my college is same as calling Mike Tyson a “nigger”. Except that you don’t get raped immediately.
Coming to the original theme of this article, I’ll give you some profound insights into the mind of an average nerdy male engineering student. If you came here hoping to get hold of some dating tips, then do send me your photo. I can look at it and have a nice laugh.
So one day, I was sitting and doing my Statistics and Random Variable assignment, when I realized that I would rather do something else. So I start wondering how my roommates would react when I ask them about their infatuations. Each of us had different personalities and we were all engineering students (lol). This was bound to throw up something hilarious. Ergo, I turn to my roommate Avinash, who was busy studying (as usual).
Me: …..so……whats your opinion on love?
Avinash:(turns slowly towards me) ….what?
Me: well…..what do you think about love?
Avinash: ………seriously…..go do your maths, boy.
Me: just tell me will you! Not like you are doing any favours…..
Avinash: (rolling his eyes) since I am NOT going to marry, your question is null and void.
Just so people know, this type of answer is what I call – the Abstinence. Also, notice that I did not say a word about ‘marriage’. The subject in question, sticks to the same answer as he would have given before his fifth standard. “ewww….girls”. They don’t mean any of it, of course. They just want to wriggle out of a possible uncomfortable situation (and blackmail). Consider for a while – this reply, coming from a guy who remains awake till 3 am attending calls from various girls every other day. The Abstinence demands that you roll your eyes and change the topic.
Meanwhile, Stein and Jakes were sitting on the other end of the room, unable to come to a decision as to who picks what hero in DOTA. But hearing my question, Stein leaves his laptop and stares at me expectantly.
Me: (sighing) okay Stein, go ahead tell me what is your opinion on this topic?
Stein: (getting all nostalgic) you see, I truly realized love when I saw Haley. I was in Payon and she was like a gypsy and as she passes me she breakes into her dance and I went like………….(at this point I zone out, I don’t remember what I was thinking. Nothing relevant to this topic and definitely unimportant. What I DO remember is that there is a gap in my memory ) …………..then the time when we would spend together in the wilderness and simply sit there for hours and not talk …………(at this point I start rifling through the pages of my maths text book in a vain attempt to dissuade Stein from extending his monologue).
Stein talks for a while, but I don’t remember exactly what he says. Whatever it is, this kind of reply would be called – the Shakespearean rant. It’s the positive idealistic type, with the description matching something out of a mushy romantic novel. The people who use the Shakespearean rant, are usually the lucky bastards who have girlfriends and are incidentally surrounded by people who don’t. And the worst part is that the Shakespearean rant is ALWAYS long. It HAS to be VERY long. Hence it’s a rant.
But Stein did not stop there.
Stein: What about you?
Me: What about me?
Stein: Tell us about YOUR beau.
Me: (flustered) the girl I had a crush on was this real smart girl. I mean she was pretty AND smart. But she was dating another guy, so I checked up things on Wikipedia and realized that love is nothing but a hormonal imbalance in the head. I am not going to waste my time on hormones. Meh!
What I used is a famous nerdy tactic called- the Chemical Defense. Its commonly used by unsocial boys and feminists. Since we are an unfortunate lot, and we are asked this difficult question by a guy/girl who has much better luck, we desperately try to gain the moral higher ground by talking biology (which incidentally happens to be a subject an engineering student can’t argue about). You know, something like, “ Oh! You have a girlfriend, yes? Nice! By the way, are you aware that love is hormonal reaction between pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin? Its like a sort of imbalance.” But just so you know, it’s lame and it’s hogwash. These boys are trying to do the “grapes are sour” charade even while they are slowly dying inside. The usual follow-up for a chemical defense is to quickly change the subject or the focus before the guy who asked us the question can say something condescending.
Me: What about you, Jakes? Tell us about your old flame.
Me: ya! Tell us about the first time you felt the fire burning inside you…
Jakes: (starts smiling) I’ll tell you. (turns to Stein) dude, you remember that girl from Bhavan’s? (takes the name of the girl)
Stein: oh that girl? I thought she was disgusting. I disliked her.
Me: …..so Jakes, you were saying……
Jakes: Oh yeah……….one day there was this dance lesson thingy and it was raining HARD. I had to go to the school. And she was there. (dramatic pause). She was wearing this tight t-shirt thing …… and she was all wet……….i think I fell in love……
Ensuing expressions went something like this:
Whatever Jakes said, I call it – Caveman’s resolution. You see, that’s what Jakes is all about. He is one of those people who like to break things down to the basic level. Absolute simplification. These kind of people know exactly what they want, and as they say – they get down to “brass tacks”.
Four people with four different answer. That should have given you an insight into the working of the mind of engineering students (of at least four of them). So enjoy, dear reader. Go out to the world, and ask people the same question and when they do answer, you know which type it falls under!
If you have come here because you thought that I would tell you the Laws of Attraction, then you have been disappointed. For the record, I am as unfortunate as you are (especially if you are from NITC).
Other than Jakes’ dialogue, the other dialogues were not exactly framed so. I have captured the gist, but don’t remember the conversation word for word.
PS: Jakes, I know you are reading this, and DO NOT DENY IT. You know you said it. Btw I left out the name of the girl 😉
PPS: Stein, all in a good faith, buddy. So, don’t. you know what I am saying. Please don’t.